Ten improbably possible predictions for 2017

Advances in technology created to make our lives easier may create puzzling situations in the years ahead

thinkstockphotos keyboard question mark

2016 was a banner year for Nine-Digit Defects. Outages at airlines, hacks of political emails, an IoT-based DDoS attack disrupting Internet service, and on and on. Will we have more 9-digit doozies in 2017? Of course we will. To liven up New Years’ revelry, here are 10 improbably possible predictions with 9-digit implications.

10. More SQL will be injected than drugs.

SQL injection is still among the most common flaws exploited by hackers for stealing confidential personal data. In fact, the scars of multiple SQL injections can be seen on far too many customer-facing applications. Developers will spread the epidemic by reusing infected software. By mid-2017 the US Justice Department will declare a War on injected SQL. Nevertheless, it will fail because CIOs have become addicted to the flood of cheap SQL entering the country from overseas.

9.  Agilistas will declare a free state in California

Led by Extremist Programmers, hordes of Agile Developers will declare Silicon Valley a free state in March 2017. Mayors will be replaced by City Masters who advise but do not govern. All architects will be deported to North Dakota. Daily stand-ups will be held in all local coffee houses to share trade secrets. All new buildings will be constructed in a succession of modules built in two-week hammer-sprints. In December 2017, buildings throughout the valley will collapse from a 2.0 earthquake when it is discovered that none of the representatives describing the modules they wanted actually stated requirements for a foundation.

8. Large banks move all credit card operations to Novosibirsk

To co-locate credit card operations with credit card data, large banks will close all US sites in Q1 and relocate all credit card operations to Novosibirsk. Banks will cite Russia’s large talent pool with experience in rapidly acquiring and distributing credit card numbers. Vladimir Putin hails the acquisition as a major success from Russia’s investment in computer science education.

7. Berkshire Hathaway acquires "The Cloud"

With his longstanding habit of acquiring major stakes in industries with strong cash flows, CEO Warren Buffet will announce in Q2 that Berkshire Hathaway will acquire all assets constituting The Cloud. In late 2017 the US Justice Department’s Antitrust Division will block Berkshire Hathaway’s bid to acquire the US National Security Agency claiming its merger with The Cloud would constitute a monopoly on personal information.

6.  Apple announces release of the iHouse

In 2017 Apple CEO Tim Cook will shock the world by unveiling the iHouse. The iHouse is a visually stunning structure whose Gorilla Glass exterior allows dwellers full exposure to their surroundings. All switches and appliances can be operated from across the room with gestures the dweller can discover through trial and error – ushering a new era for IoT and smart software. Apple is confident that dwellers will be so taken with the beauty of their abode, they will ignore its learning curve. To ensure a supply appliances for the iHouse, Apple will acquire Sears and Roebuck and merge it into the App Store.

5. President Trump announces Buffer Dams as the foundation of his homeland security policy

Having been informed that buffer overflows are a major security threat to all Americans, President Trump will announce shortly after his inauguration that “I will not allow any American to be drowned in the overflow of a buffer that the previous Administration did not inspect and secure. Within the next 60 days I will order the construction of buffer dams all across our country to protect Americans from the ravages of overflowing buffers. We will make buffers great again.” He will further assign US Homeland Security agents to guard every major buffer in America from terrorists.

4. Reuse will increase productivity by an order of magnitudereally, I promise this time!

During the 2017 holidays the MIT Computer Science Department will publish the following letter in the New York Sun. “Yes, Virginia, there really is reuse. It exists as certainly as compilers and keyboards and COBOL exist...Alas! How dreary would be the world without the promise that reuse will free us from programming drudgery!...Not believe in reuse! You might as well not believe in defect-free software!... No reuse! Thank Turing it lives and it lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10 thousand years from now, it will continue to make glad the hearts of programmers with the eternal promise that this is the year reuse changes everything.”

3. Self-driving cars will be arrested for DWIs in Missouri

In May 2017, Missouri’s Attorney General will declare that a self-driving car is itself the primary driver of the vehicle. The Missouri Renewable Fuel Standard Act requires all gasoline sold in the state to contain 10% ethanol. After googling ethanol the state police will realize it is another name for ethyl alcohol, or grain alcohol. Any self-driving car being refueled in Missouri is therefore over the state’s legal limit of .08. Consequently, all self-driving cars stopped on Missouri roads will be arrested and cited for driving while intoxicated.

2. IBM announces Watson will run for the US Presidency in 2020

In late 2017, IBM will announce that Watson will seek the Presidency of the United States in the 2020 election. Since the Citizen’s United Supreme Court decision grants corporations the ability to participate in the political process, IBM will establish a Political Action Committee backing its favorite cyber-son, Watson. To satisfy constitutional mandates, IBM will provide documented evidence that Watson was naturally conceived in the United States on a foundation of intellectual property that is over 35 years old. President Trump will lead a contingent of birthers claiming that Watson’s hardware components were born in China.

1. 3D Printing decimates the Internet porn industry

No explanation required.

This article is published as part of the IDG Contributor Network. Want to Join?

Related: