Terror in the north: Canada loses grip on reality

Could it happen here? A catastrophic breakdown in the laws of physics spurs the Canadian government to impose usage-based Internet billing

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A spokesman for the CRTC claimed that these restrictions were necessary in the face of the bizarre circumstances that currently grip the country. He claimed that there may be more restrictive policies coming forth, given that there's no telling what might come next: "We've seen 10G connections suddenly become 1G connections, and we have some reports of some 10G connections ceasing to function altogether, and the optics spontaneously turn into daisies. We cannot expect Bell Canada to continue normal operations in light of these issues."

We went on to list the names of dozens of network engineers who lost their lives when every 40G Ethernet connection in the country became fire-breathing dragons at exactly the same time. He concluded, "Our deepest sympathies go out to their families, and we hope that they can find some comfort in knowing that their loved ones did not die in vain." He then vanished, leaving behind only his mustache -- which then hovered around the room for 20 minutes before exploding.

While investigating other possible problems related to the suspension of the laws of physics, it's important to note that there are no reports of problems with 100G fiber connections. Preliminary research shows that this may be due to the fact that every facility that housed 100G hardware has become an interdimensional portal that cannot be approached by any known means. It's thought that this is responsible for the fact that much of downtown Vancouver has been overridden by large, feathered, beaver-like creatures that have systematically destroyed every Tim Hortons in a 20-mile radius.

Strangely, just across the border in the United States, the laws of physics are as they always were. Existing fiber continues to provide ever-increasing throughput, and no other violations of science appear to be occurring. However, it's certain that ISPs in the United States are watching the situation in Canada closely, and drafting sample legislation to send to their congressmen that would institute usage-based billing for Americans if something similar were to happen there. There are also murmurs that they may want to push hard for legislation like this before there are any signs of problems in the United States, ostensibly to be prepared for such an event.

And so Canada remains struggling with its suddenly topsy-turvy, physics-less existence, while the rest of the world is powerless to help, yet enjoying their unlimited bandwidth. For now.

This story, "Terror in the north: Canada loses grip on reality," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Read more of Paul Venezia's The Deep End blog at InfoWorld.com. For the latest business techonology news, follow InfoWorld.com on Twitter.


Copyright © 2011 IDG Communications, Inc.

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