Google? Evil? You have no idea

Brace yourself for an exhaustive rundown of Google's master plan and the company's ultimate goal

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A wrinkle arose when consumers started moving away from PCs and onto mobile devices -- a new platform with new interfaces, new content formats, and a new app model. We definitely need to own that, Google cried, and let's not stop at top-level software. Let's drill down to the silicon and develop a mobile OS and offer our own hardware: phones, netbooks, USB dongles. We'll not only influence all mobile users in some way, we'll have a huge and growing swath of them where it counts.

But Google can't glean dreams from fingertips. Let's strap an industrial device directly to their heads. Thus, Google Glass was born. It knows where you are; it knows whom you're talking to and in what language; it knows what pictures you're snapping; it knows when you've been bad or good; and it knows when you are sleeping. Santa works for Google now.

Luddites, get in line

You may ask: "But what about folks who are still off the Web or can't afford Cylon headgear?" Easy fix, we'll bring the Internet to them through Google Fiber. If that doesn't work, we'll use powerline technology to track them through their fuse boxes via our new, benevolently named Google Energy division. Burning wood in upstate Vermont? No problem, we'll co-opt the technology we developed in conjunction with the U.S. and European intelligence community (military-industrial complex to you hardcore theorists) and track your backward, hillbilly butts via Googlesats, which power Google Earth and Google Maps. Whew, all bases covered.

To govern the growing empire, Google would need a lot of secured manpower and infrastructure, preferably based in a slick-looking, isolated, and secure site that could easily secede from the Union to form its own techno-corporate state unburdened by the U.S. legal code, morality, and marriage conventions. Up went the Area 51-style Googleplex, equipped with housing, human testing labs, and hidden, Maginot-line machine gun nests.

But the nearby populace cramped Google's style, so an idea was born: Why not buy the town? Bit by bit, Google's real estate and municipal interests consumed Mountain View and spread around the bay, all the way to Oakland, now subject to real-time population and activity monitoring. Google had an eye on San Francisco too offering a fleet of Toyota Priuses to ferry Whole Foods snacks around town behind Google Shopping Express's socially acceptable veneer. Meanwhile, corporate-owned, isolationist buses whisked Googlers to work with the goal of never letting them leave the compound, lest they be poisoned with non-shuttled citizens' subversive thoughts.

There it is: a clear path to total worldwide domination radiating outward from Northern California. With this nefarious plot, Google owns you, me, and, more important, politicians from world leaders down to the local constabulary -- anyone with even a shred of power or influence.

Beyond the Googledome

If you're one of the few remaining rebel fighters sitting in an unmarked, unconnected, no-power cave wearing a tinfoil hat and writing your True Non-Googled Account of History for future generations with charcoal pencil by earwax candlelight, while occasionally talking to trees, Google will leave you alone for now. But as soon as the technology is semi-stable, a Google drone will strafe your Oregon yurt and a grinning Googlebot will drag you kicking and screaming to a black site re-indoctrination center masquerading as one of the new Google retail outlets.

Take that Satya, Tim, and all you other small-time billionaire hicks: It's a brave, new, Googleworld.

This article, "Google? Evil? You have no idea," was originally published at Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, follow Cringely on Twitter, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.

Copyright © 2014 IDG Communications, Inc.

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