We don't care. We don't have to. We're the iPhone company.

"One ringy dingy...two ringy dingy. Oh, gracious good morning to you, sir. May I speak with the iPhone holder to whom I am speaking?

Yes, I'm calling regarding your request to switch your iPhone to another wireless carrier. May I ask, sir, why you want to switch from AT&T? Because you can't get a clear signal in your area? Oh, dear, we certainly can't have that. Have you considered moving? (snort) Can you hear me now? (snort, snort) Just a little Phone Company humor about what we like to call unoccupied territory.

But seriously, sir, once your mandatory two-year contract expires, you can do whatever you want with your iPhone. Except make phone calls. (snort, snort) I'm in rare form today.

Your rights? Oh, sir, that's so cute. You paid for that iPhone, buster, but we own your butt. And from the look of these pictures, it's no bargain. You don't have the body for briefs, if you get my meaning, and it looks like your girlfriend needs a shave! (snort, snort, snort) Or is that your father? (snort) My, I'm short of breath.

Oh, look at this. Shame on you. Does your fuzzy-faced girlfriend know that you've chatted with Miranda Arnold, subscriber 32341668, three times at two in the morning? [typing, beep] She does now!

Pardon? Right to privacy? Oh, sir, that's so cute! No, no, no. Your subscriber agreement states very plainly, "AT&T — not customers — owns customers' confidential info and can use it to protect its legitimate business interests, safeguard others, or respond to legal process." I was merely safeguarding your hirsute honeybun from co-signing that lease with a loser like you. It is a perfectly legal process.

Excuse me? I should what myself? No, sir. It's our business to what you, and thank you for calling AT&T."

Head over to TV Acres if you're too young to remember Laugh-In and Lily Tomlin's recurring character Ernestine the Operator.