Subliminally nude, Microsoft sued

It has come to my attention that some readers of this magazine believe there are naughty pictures hidden subliminally in the advertisements. This is an issue InfoWorld management takes very seriously, and they’ve asked me to reassure you that the only naughty pictures in the building are the ones I’ve got hidden in my desk drawer. However, in deference to certain readers’ delicate sensibilities, the word “dongle” will no longer appear in the pages of this publication.

Caught by the Longhorns: Small yet feisty Silicon Valley startup Alacritech has obtained a temporary injunction against Microsoft, claiming the upcoming Longhorn OS violates two of Alacritech’s patents for enhancing network performance. The injunction prevents the Redmond Robber Barons from selling any technology based on the patents, at least until MS convinces a judge otherwise. Assuming Microsoft sticks to its current slipping — I mean shipping — schedule, Longhorn should be out sometime in the fall of 2093.

I wish I were an Oracle Meyer wiener: Reader Brad M. says he received 214 separate e-mail invitations to an Oracle seminar on how to control IT management costs and increase productivity. (One assumes the productivity tips include hiring someone to delete all that extra e-mail.) The author of the invite? Somebody named Bologna, naturally.

Getting CRM’d: Siebel has canned CEO J. Michael Lawrie after less than a year on the job and has replaced him with longtime board member George Shaheen. Gorgeous George is best known for taking Webvan, the best-funded dot-com in history, and driving it into a tree. Hey, what could they do? Bernie Ebbers and Kenneth Lay weren’t available.

The computer wore tennis shoes: An Orlando conference on Systemics, Cybernetics, and Informatics has accepted a computer-generated paper composed largely of gibberish. An MIT computer science student created the paper using the Automatic CS Paper Generator site. Hey, if I could get somebody to build one of these for my column, I’d be on Easy Street.

Got hot tips or directions to Easy Street? Send ’em to cringe@infoworld.com and you might just snag a Cringely bag.