* I like to share
And share, and share. I share everything, including my preference for hunting and killing all of my own food. And I expect all my employees to do the same.
I like to share my shares, as well. So anyone who can scrape up enough dimes and nickels will get a chance to buy stock in the company -- but only if they sign up for a Facebook account first and tell all their friends about it. No exceptions.
* We are not Twitter
Don't confuse us with other social networks. Most of our competitors will wither and die. Others we'll do our best to keep afloat just so we can make fun of them. (MySpace, I'm talking to you.) As for Twitter, we have a standing order to buy them for exactly $2 more than whatever Google offers. If they refuse (for like, the 37th time) we'll crush them like a bug. End of story.
* Our commitment to privacy
Our users' privacy is extremely important to us. Actually, I don't give a damn about privacy. But our attorneys do, as does the FTC, and if we're not careful, Congress might eventually get around to passing some half-assed legislation that will totally muck up our monetization plans for the trillions of bits of data people hand us every day for free. So today I will make the following commitment: We will do everything in our power to protect the privacy of our members. By that I mean we will give them a set of arcane and confusing tools to help them control the things they share, knowing 90 percent of Facebook members will never look at them, while making most of their data public by default.
There, are you happy now?
* The future belongs to us
Last year, Facebook took in more than $4 billion in ad revenue without even breaking a sweat. But advertising is only one tiny sliver of the revenue streams we plan to explore. Remember, we know nearly everything about nearly everybody. We have more data on the world's citizens than every intelligence service on the planet combined. You think we're just going to sit on all that? Do we look crazy to you?
That's only the beginning. Think of this: Voting via Facebook. By the 2024 election cycle Facebook will be the primary way most Americans elect their president. Think of cranial implants that take what you're thinking and broadcast them to 1 billion of your closest friends, then predict what you're going to do or say next. We have that technology today. We're just waiting for the right moment to announce it, like when our share price needs a bump.
Next to us, Google will look like the cheap punks they really are. Apple will be begging us for the rights to build iFacebook devices. Microsoft will be asking us to lend them money. We'll probably say no.
I would go on, but we all know it's pointless. You'd buy our stock if there was monkey poop all over it. We are Facebook. We are mighty. There's nothing you can do to stop us. All you can hope to do is climb aboard and hang on for the ride of your life.
Mark Zuckerberg, CEO (biatch)
Would you buy stock in Facebook? Post your bids below or email me: email@example.com.
This article, "The Facebook IPO: Zuck's letter to investors," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.