Eric Schmidt: A boxed collection of all 145 issues of Creepy Comics so that he understands how other people feel when he says things like, "Most people don't want Google to answer their questions... They want Google to tell them what they should be doing next," and "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."
Michael Dell: Yet another Dell-branded tablet PC, in case he feels an uncontrollable urge to kill something.
James Balsillie and Mike Lazaridis: RIM's dueling CEOs get two one-way tickets to Palookaville, near the Land of the Lost, just south of the dustbins of history.
Sean Parker: Justin Timberlake's personal cell number so that he can convince chicks that, yes, Justin really did play him in "The Social Network," despite the disparity in looks.
Anonymous. Bus fare, hairnets, and name tags for all. Time to go out and get a real job, boys and girls.
Tim Cook: A very large pair of New Balance 991s and a lot of luck.
What are you getting your favorite geeks this year? More important, what are you getting me? Grace us with your presents below or email them: email@example.com.
This article, "Santa Cringe is coming to town," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.