A demeaning boss

I HAVE A QUESTION I HAVE A BOSS WHO IS SO FRUS-TRADED ALL THE TIME AND WHEN I AM AROUND HER SHE MAKES ME THINK. I AM DOING MY JOB INCORRECTLY I AM NOT AS FAST AS SO AND SO, I DO'NT BELONG IN THIS DEPARTMENT. I TELL HER BOSS ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR AND ALL SHE TOLD ME WAS TAKE HER COMMENTS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE I IT'S REALLY STRESSING ME OUT. PLEASE HELP.- AGITATEDDear Agitated ...There are two

I HAVE A QUESTION I HAVE A BOSS WHO IS SO FRUS-TRADED ALL THE TIME AND WHEN I AM AROUND HER SHE MAKES ME THINK. I AM DOING MY JOB INCORRECTLY I AM NOT AS FAST AS SO AND SO, I DO'NT BELONG IN THIS DEPARTMENT. I TELL HER BOSS ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR AND ALL SHE TOLD ME WAS TAKE HER COMMENTS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE I IT'S REALLY STRESSING ME OUT. PLEASE HELP.

- AGITATED

Dear Agitated ...

There are two different aspects of your question, and I have to deal with them independently. The first is how your manager is interacting with you. The second is how you should deal with what you're experiencing.

Your manager should not be expressing her dissatisfaction in emotional terms. One of the core rules of effective communication is that if you don't control your emotions, they'll control you. There are effective ways to provide employees with guidance about how they are performing and how they should be performing. It appears your manager doesn't know them.

She should, but she doesn't. That means it's up to you to make the communication between the two of you more productive. Your first step in doing so is to recognize that your manager's frustration is coming from somewhere. If she behaves this way with everyone, then it's probably an external source, like upper management, and she's unable to keep herself from venting.

It happens.

If, on the other hand, it appears to be focused on you then I'd recommend taking a good, hard look at your performance - both your formal performance, and what you're like to work with. This is difficult under the best of circumstances. When someone feels like they're being attacked, as you are, it's even harder for them because the instinctive response to an attack is to either defend or counterattack.

Try this: Filter out the emotion and frustration and concentrate your attention solely on the information content of her message. Is she telling you something about your work that you need to address?

Try this, too: The next time your manager expresses frustration, respond by taking responsibility for it, as if it was legitimate and you really are the cause. For example, "It appears I've done something that's frustrated you. I apologize - it certainly wasn't what I had in mind, and I need to know what it was, and what I should have done instead. Right now I don't have a clear picture of it - can you help me understand it better?"

You need to make it an okay subject to talk about. Perhaps then your communication can be more productive.

On a related note, reading your note to me it's clear you would benefit from improved writing skills. The combination of all-capital letters and errors in spelling and grammar create a poor impression of your abilities. If you can find a course in business writing at your local community college I'd advise taking it. If not, get hold of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style. Read it cover to cover (it's quite thin) and follow its guidelines.

You might even find that as you become a more effective communicator, your boss will become less frustrated with you.

- Bob