At Crazy Cringely's House of Windows Upgrades, we're slashin' prices to the bone. Are you jonesin' to upgrade from Vista Home Premium to Windows 7 Home Premium? It won't cost you $129. Not $127, or even $124. Just $119.99 -- a savings of nearly 8 percent over the cost of upgrading from XP to Vista! Can you believe it?
Hey, I told you we were crazy. But wait, there's more.
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For a Limited Time Only, you can upgrade to Windows 7 for just $49.99! That's right -- for less than the cost of a dinner and a movie, you can preorder your copy of Win7 and have it shipped to you next October. (Offer only available from participating retailers in participating markets, ends July 11, void where prohibited by law.)
But the deals don't end there. We're selling the full version of Windows 7 Home Premium for just $199.99 -- a full $40 off the price of Vista Home Premium! That's two Andrew Jacksons you slip right back into you pocket -- or, better yet, put them toward those support calls you'll be making to Microsoft two days after the warranty runs out.
But you're a power user, I can tell. You want the Full Monty, all that Windows has to offer. And that means Windows 7 Professional or Windows 7 Ultimate. And you can get them too, for $199.99 and $219.99 (upgrade) or $299.99 and $319.99 (full versions). That's a discount off current Vista prices of exactly, well, zero.
Now I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Times are tough, Cringe. We can barely put food on the table, let alone drop $200 or $300 on what could turn out to be yet another disappointing Microsoft operating system." Well, we have a deal for you. You can upgrade to Windows 7 ABSOLUTELY FREE.
Yes, that's right. For no money down and no money later, you can have the latest, greatest, most whiz-bangiest Windows system ever made (at least, until the next version comes out) and it won't cost you a plug nickel.
All you need to do is buy a new Vista machine today. That's it. It's that simple. Buy a new Vista Home Premium Machine, and we'll upgrade you to Windows 7 Home Premium AT NO CHARGE. Buy a PC with Windows Vista Ultimate, and you'll get discs for Windows 7 Vista Ultimate -- again, at NO CHARGE.
(Disclaimer: Offers vary by manufacturer; "free" offers may still involve some nominal cost to buyer. Offer available from June 26 through Jan. 31, 2010, but may also vary by manufacturer. Upgrade limited to 25 PCs per buyer, so large enterprises can suck eggs. Buyers must provide DNA samples and swear loyalty oath to Microsoft. Yes, I just made that last bit up.)
You heard right. If you're willing to suffer through just three months of Vista frustration, you can experience the wonders of Windows 7 right in the comfort of your own home for NO ADDITIONAL FEE (except for the additional fees noted above). Better yet, we'll throw in free access to the Windows online support forums, where Microsoft fanboys will taunt you for having problems because clearly you must be doing something wrong, as we all know Windows products are generally flawless.
Even if you're still clinging to XP years after it debuted, you too can receive these benefits, as long as you're willing to wipe your disc and do a clean install. Same deal if you live in Europe. Hey paisan, that's what you get for your piddly little anti-trust concerns.
Order yours today!
Has Cringely gone completely off the deep end? If not, why is he talking about himself in the third person? Post your thoughts below or e-mail him: email@example.com.