Apple's iPhone 17: Best. Phone. Ever.

Think the iPhone 5 is going to be impressive? Wait a dozen years -- or travel through time as Cringely previews the iPhone 17

Note: Today's Notes From the Field blog post is coming to you from the future. It seems Cringely hitched a ride on some faster-than-light neutrinos and woke up in October 2023 -- just in time for Apple to announce its newest life-altering creation, the iPhone 17.

I have to say today's Apple special event was the most impressive I've ever attended. Well, "attended" is probably not technically accurate, seeing as it was delivered via a 3D hologram to my room in the nursing home.

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Still, it was just like the old days in Cupertino, before Apple built that new orbiting headquarters at the Lagrange point between the earth and the moon.

The iPhone 17 is truly a technological wonder. With a display lighter and thinner than a standard piece of what used to be called "paper," back when we still had trees, it is easily the finest mobile communications device around -- instantly obsoleting the 17,342 Android devices currently on the market.

The iPhone 17 is the first device to take advantage of blazingly fast 14G wireless networks, which are able to deliver content to mobile devices before it has even been created.

CEO Justin Timberlake demonstrated the iPhone 17's stunning speed by streaming an HD16X movie (a remake of "Police Academy III" by the Coen brothers) as it was still being filmed.

"Notice the amazing resolution on Suri Cruise's cheekbones," he said, pointing at the actress on the 300-foot tall display behind him. "You can actually count her pores."

As with the iPhone 16, you have the option of sliding the wafer-thin Omnipresence Module ("Om") under the tongue, where it is held in place via magnetic attraction to your fillings, or opt for a surgical implant just behind the cerebellum at the base of the skull.

Timberlake says Apple has solved the problems with saliva buildup that hindered users of the iPhone 16, when a number of AT&T subscribers reported that they could only make calls while touching their tongues to their noses. 

Along with the new iPhone, Timberlake showed off Apple's latest operating system. Apple's iOS 17 is designed to plug directly into the human central nervous system via a custom bio-API and offer billions of downloadable apps, including new software for controlling appetite, increasing sexual desire, and curing contagious yawning.

But the event was not without controversy. As it had for the past six iPhone unveilings, the OMT ("One More Thing") cult staged a silent vigil via hologram. Clad in their characteristic mock black turtlenecks, blue jeans, and New Balance sneakers, the group continued to protest the appointment of Trillionaire Timberlake as head of Apple and to await the return of the One True CEO.

Me, I can't wait for the iPhone 18. I hear it will totally blow the iPhone 17 away.

InfoWorld would like to apologize for today's Notes From the Field blog post. We suspect Cringe is suffering from a severe case of Apple hype overdose. How about you? Post your symptoms below or email cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, "Apple's iPhone 17: Best. Phone. Ever.," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.

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