Santa Cringe is coming to town

He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake -- and Cringely has gifts for every geek girl and boy, whether they want them or not

I don't know about you, but my Christmas list is all set. I'm hoping Santa finally brings me that Ferrari 458 Italia and the prefrontal lobotomy I've always wanted. But because I'm such a generous soul, I've also been shopping for the better-known personae in the world of technology.

Here are a few presents I'm leaving under the tree for some of the good and not-so-good girls and boys in high tech this year.

[ The year is almost up, and just in time, Cringely has a list of the 10 dumbest tech moves of 2011. | For a humorous take on the tech industry's shenanigans, subscribe to Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter. | Get the latest insight on the tech news that matters from InfoWorld's Tech Watch blog. ]

Meg Whitman: A Magic 8-Ball to help in her decision making as HP's latest CEO. Will the 8-Ball's sage advice make HP less of a slow-motion trainwreck? Ask again later.

Mark Zuckerberg: An ermine-lined hoodie to wear during the launch of Facebook's IPO early next year. He'll be well on his way to becoming the world's richest man, and he needs to dress appropriately -- or as appropriately as we can reasonably expect.

Bill Gates: A T-shirt that says, "No, I am not planning to return to Microsoft as CEO, I am quite happy trying to heal the sick and educate the poor, thank you for asking." I may need to make it an XXX large just to fit all that.

Bradley Manning: A copy of Julian Assange's unauthorized autobiography, to while away those long hours in solitary confinement.

Julian Assange: A DVD boxed set of HBO's prison drama "Oz." The man has to bone up before he's sent away to the big house.

Steve Ballmer: A lifetime supply of Valium. Also, plenty of towels.

Jeff Bezos: A toupee, a beard, a complete makeover -- anything to make him look a little less like Dr. Evil.

Larry Page: A slightly soiled box of business cards, found in a Dumpster outside Facebook's Palo Alto headquarters, featuring the phrase "I'm CEO, bitch." Just in case some people forget.

Eric Schmidt: A boxed collection of all 145 issues of Creepy Comics so that he understands how other people feel when he says things like, "Most people don't want Google to answer their questions... They want Google to tell them what they should be doing next," and "If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place."

Michael Dell: Yet another Dell-branded tablet PC, in case he feels an uncontrollable urge to kill something.

James Balsillie and Mike Lazaridis: RIM's dueling CEOs get two one-way tickets to Palookaville, near the Land of the Lost, just south of the dustbins of history.

Sean Parker: Justin Timberlake's personal cell number so that he can convince chicks that, yes, Justin really did play him in "The Social Network," despite the disparity in looks.

Anonymous. Bus fare, hairnets, and name tags for all. Time to go out and get a real job, boys and girls.

Tim Cook: A very large pair of New Balance 991s and a lot of luck.

What are you getting your favorite geeks this year? More important, what are you getting me? Grace us with your presents below or email them: cringe@infoworld.com.

This article, "Santa Cringe is coming to town," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.

Mobile Security Insider: iOS vs. Android vs. BlackBerry vs. Windows Phone
Join the discussion
Be the first to comment on this article. Our Commenting Policies