Kim Dotcom: A lifetime all-you-can-eat pass to Saladworks. The megamillionaire founder of Megaupload is mega in every way -- from his taste in cars and mansions to his appetite for schwarma. Even a SWAT assault on his New Zealand compound and a complete FBI shutdown of his digital locker site can't stop him. Dotcom's newest file-storage creation, dubbed simply "Mega" (what else?), promises to give heartburn to every Hollywood exec by offering one-click encryption, making it virtually impossible for the copyright cops to detect which files are pirated and which aren't. Why salads? Because I'd like to see the 350-pound-plus 38-year-old stick around a little longer, just to find out what happens next.
Marissa Mayer: An economy-sized bottle of Midol for the inevitable headaches the Yahoo CEO will face once the honeymoon is over. It has to happen some time -- this is Yahoo we're talking about.
Chris Dodd: An all-expenses-paid trip to New Zealand. The former U.S. senator turned president of the MPAA can stay at the luxurious $24 million compound of Kim Dotcom -- once they finish repairing the doors and windows that got destroyed in the raid the MPAA called "a massive success." I'm sure they'll have lots to discuss.
Matt Inman: Anger encouragement classes. The Oatmeal cartoonist does some of his funniest work when thoroughly PO'd at someone, whether it's a weaselly attorney trying to squeeze money out of him or a clueless BuzzFeed contributor who slanders him while getting most of his facts wrong. Matt needs a new target. May we suggest Chris Dodd?
The editors at CNN, Fox, Gawker, BuzzFeed, and the many others who climbed all over each other in the rush to repeat "news" stories in the past year that turned out to be completely fictitious: Handsomely framed embroideries of the old j-school bromide "If your mother says she loves you, check it out." All of these guilty parties could use a refresher course in Fact-Checking 101. Also: Your moms don't really love you. I've confirmed that with two anonymous sources and Nate Silver, so I'm going with it.
May you all have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, joyous Kwanzaa, joyful Eid, happy solstice, and/or pleasant nonsectarian holiday of your choosing.
Who's on your list this year, and what are you getting me -- er, them? Post your holiday gifts below or email them to me: email@example.com. Cash and money orders also gratefully accepted.
This article, "What to get the tech titan who has everything," was originally published atInfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.