Form a line to the throne
Apple is an obvious front-runner. When it comes to innovation, Apple's definitely being slaughtered. The iPhone and iPad franchises will probably die out this year in favor of other devices with the features people really need, like flexi-frames, pocket-defying form factors, and personal GPS target indicators to ease the path for NSA assassination drones. I need to jump in there soon, acquire Scentee and Sony, and turn the iPhone into a smell-enabled PSP so that teenagers can sniff the cordite when they're playing Grand Theft Auto.
Another likely C(ringely)EO possibility is T-Mobile. Sure, it's doing spectacularly right now -- on paper. But its board must be yearning for a more traditional CEO that looks the part wearing custom suits and Harvard ties, while conducting meetings with a crystal whiskey glass in his hand. I can fulfill only one of those qualifications, but that's more than Legere's doing today. Plus, when consumers figure out that the no-contracts thing is a complete smokescreen, T-Mobile's value will plunge and I'll save it by secretly acquiring J.K. Rowling for immediate steady revenue, backing Clay Aiken for Congress, and exploiting Net neutrality like Verizon to ensure future world dominance.
Instant telecomm success.
If all else fails, I've decided my safety CEO slot will be with Uber. The current CEO, Travis Kalanick, has offended his customers, taken advantage of dangerously inclement weather conditions for blatant price gouging, taught his employees to flout the law, and worse. The company could hire Lindsay Lohan, and she'd be an immediate improvement even with the ankle tracker. I'd be deified after I changed the company's focus to a more honorable pursuit -- say, human trafficking for legally questionable cloning experiments -- and sold everything to Halliburton.
Instant military contract billions.
Google will probably call when that Glass thing dumps and it loses more money than the guy who bet everything on Broncos Super Bowl merchandise. Facebook will need someone when Zuckerberg hits puberty and discovers that money can attract women. Oracle will definitely call when Ellison becomes a full-time regatta cheating consultant. Or if I really need a challenge, I can head up PR for the NSA. I hear the current director is a little stressed. Overall, the future is bright and the business world is ripe for a Cringely ascension into the executive suite.
Any executive suite.
Pammy insisted I take out a huge life insurance policy last week. She said it was to protect the family we never talk about starting, but I woke up last night to find her scrolling through hit man classifieds on Silk Road. She said she was just doing research for her new one-woman Broadway show, "How to Make Millions Even Though Your Partner's a Journalist," but I'm worried. If I'm going to keep her happy, I need to take the first step toward getting one of those post-CEO $100 million contracts for sitting in an office thinking up stuff, then writing it down. I'd be good at that.
This article, "Microsoft is saved! But the CEO sweepstakes rage on," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, follow Cringely on Twitter, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.