Kim Jong-un isn't exactly a tech giant but considering all the family infighting most of us go through during the holidays, you have to include a guy who executes his uncle for not clapping loudly enough. Besides, you'll be the only one on the block with a giant headsman's ax and a naked picture of Dennis Rodman from your secret Santa.
Larry Page and Sergey Brin would try to send you a present but wouldn't be able to get it out for delivery in time. Then when the aforementioned Jack Dorsey claimed he invented and owned the patents for secret Santa, flying reindeer, and the North Pole, Larry and Serge would instantly buy controlling interest from him for $10 billion. Though unable to figure out what to do with their new property, their stock would inexplicably triple. With any luck, they'd send you a sixth of a certificate and be done.
If Reddit could find him, Satoshi Nakamoto might send you 500 bitcoins with which you'd either retire to Monaco or tile your bathroom, depending on what day of the week it was.
Finally, Jeff Bezos would be too busy selling everything to send anything, but when he heard all the other CEOs were doing it, he'd buy out secret Santa from under Google, turn it into "Bezos-mas," and announce it with a promo video that depicted Santa riding behind eight flying drone-deer. Not content to control one holiday, he'd follow up with Easter-zon complete with hopping bunny drones to terrify the children, the 4th of Amazon with big discounts on Semtex and Jack Daniels, and Thank Bezos Day because, well, why aren't we doing it already?
What are you or your cow hoping to get from your secret Santa? Wish lists can be posted below or via email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
This article, "You shouldn't have! Secret Santas of Silicon Valley," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, follow Cringely on Twitter, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.