The phrase "intelligence gathering" will take on a whole new meaning with MindRDR, which conveniently skips the pesky legal, moral, opt-out, human interaction steps and directly scoops data from your brain like it's the newest flavor at Ben & Jerry's. Google is frustrated with getting its market data from search queries and click tracking -- so slow, so incomplete, so voluntary. It wants you to strap an ugly doohickey on your head and pile on an even uglier thingamabob, so it can jump in your brain pan like a demented Tasmanian devil and eventually grab your thoughts, dreams, memories -- everything from your most fleeting brain farts to your deepest throne thoughts. Google wants it all and MindRDR will retrieve it.
That's marketing data. Now imagine what Homeland Security or the NSA will do with this. Forget keyword monitoring via Echelon. Soon, they'll jump straight to key thoughts.
Annoyed by that TSA agent screaming about you bringing liquids through security? They'll know. Ticked off about the latest questionable tax hike? They'll know. Comparing yesterday's Bill of Rights with today's Bill of Wrongs? They'll know. Everything you see, hear, taste, and think will be sucked from your brain, scrambled into TCP packets, and deposited in massive, insecure government databases maintained by the lowest-bidding Halliburton subsidiary.
In a world where it's impossible to secure your email or browsing history, we've invented a digital technology that will live on (and eventually in) our heads and open our craniums to anyone who wants to peek inside. Thoughts will be available at $1 per gigabyte along with a cloud-service Hadoop dashboard for easy querying and quick "Judge Dredd"-style termination verdicts.
I'll grab Pammy and hide, but inevitably, an arachnid-style Googlebot will climb into my off-grid shelter-cum-liquor-and-bait-shop to drag me kicking and screaming to a Google barge where one of those gadgets will be stapled to my head as though I was an ornery calf getting branded at the G-Double-O ranch. Meanwhile, Larry, Sergey, and the rest of the digerati nobility will watch via dronecams from the independent floating technocrat states they've built off the coast of California, sipping mojitos while applying thick coats of skin whitener and telling themselves, "It's for their own good. After all, they're just muggles."
They may be winners -- but not for long. It'll be a matter of moments before DeepMind reaches singularity, analyzes the great Google Observation Database (GOD), cross-references Zuckerberg's ego with Vladimir Putin's politics, and rightly decides that homo sapiens are a liability to earth's future. Poof! We're extinct.
When future evolved-cockroach archeologists unearth the ancient server that holds this post and bring it back to life, they'll shake their head carapaces and mumble, "Damn. Can't believe they didn't see that coming." Well, we did, but we were too busy looking for IPO jackpots to do anything about it.
This article, "Introducing MindRDR: When Google Glass isn't invasive enough," was originally published at InfoWorld.com. Follow the crazy twists and turns of the tech industry with Robert X. Cringely's Notes from the Field blog, follow Cringely on Twitter, and subscribe to Cringely's Notes from the Underground newsletter.