Act like a man?
Infante doesn't buy the argument that women have to navigate a double standard. Her advice is that women should be unafraid to behave in business as men do, such as wielding their power as a male executive would. "Self-confidence shows, and people are trained to recognize that in others," she said. For her, the real problem comes when "women are hesitant about the use of power." That signals weakness, which undermines their leadership more than the fact that they are women.

Infante acknowledges that "acting like a man" goes against how most women are raised, which is to be shyer and to want to please. But that just won't work in business. "Business is a lot less about the softer self," she said. "Our education system creates passivity in girls and encourages activity in the boys. [Yet] in business you have to be aggressive," Infante added.

From years of working alongside Larry Ellison at Oracle, Infante had a front-row seat to seeing how an aggressive leader operates. "It's not a secret that Larry does not treat people nicely. I am not saying that is a good thing but … business is ultimately about competing. If you are out there and aren't 120 percent in your ability to defeat the opposition, then you will fail. This is where Larry has been very successful. He asks every day, 'What have you done to win today and what have you done today to defeat the competition?'"

Still, Infante admits that a woman could not easily act as tough as Ellison. "If a woman treated people like Larry treated people, people would focus more on the fact that she is not being kind and gentle, but with Larry, they say, 'Oh well, that is the way Larry is.'"

Ellison may be an extreme case, and women don't need to ape male behavior to use their power, Simson advised. She warned young women not to try to be something they are not. "Retain your personality. Being successful is not dependent on being harsh. Be strong, know what you want. Competency is what is valued and what commands respect. Respect does not come because you bullied," she said.

How to climb to the top
Despite the perception issues that can make it harder for women to be seen as leaders, the path to the top in IT doesn't appear to differ from the path to the top in any industry.

"Women don't have to be groundbreakers, just the best ones for the job," Major said. The fact is that more women now have great track records, so there is a pool of women in the industry who have made it easier for future generations.

Infante said being a woman may actually help. In her case, she said she stood out a bit more in a room full of people all equally as good. "I think my being a woman has been neutral to slightly positive, but no negatives, no barriers," she said. Infante was also helped by having her formative career occur at Hewlett-Packard, whose culture was "very egalitarian."

For a top-level tech position, "technical merits are absolutely critical," Simson added.